Mondays have traditionally been the day that Addison and I go out and do something fun this summer. Tuesday through Thursdays are school days and Fridays we don't do anything but rest up from the week. She has been begging for at least a week to go to the park - most of which we couldn't because it was either too hot or was raining. Finally yesterday when we got up, the sun was out and it wasn't scorching hot. Thinking it would be a great day to go to the park, I loaded her up. What I didn't anticpate was that the park toys would be surrounded by huge puddles of water. She couldn't have gotten to them in a raft, let alone trying to walk to them. Trying to prevent a major "crisis" in the child's life, I presented "plan b" - which was to go out to Frank Brown Park and play in the "activity pool." She quickly agreed to this plan.
It was the first time we had ever been out there just the two of us. Normally we meet friends out there - so she has someone to play with and I have someone to chat with. However since it was so last minute, it was just the two of us. I thought she would get bored really quick and so I stayed in the water - but she kept taking off. She would keep coming to check back in with me, but for the most part, she entertained herself. I soon became tired of being in the water and found myself a chair along side the pool - most of which is wade-able for her.
Eventually she adopted some much older girls to play with - like young middle-school age. These girls followed her around and played with her. They laughed with her and kept her entertained. She loved it and of course threw a hissy-fit when it was time to leave, three hours later.
Not that any of these things are worth a blog in itself, but something hit me yesterday. It was the first time in her life that I didn't feel like she really needed me. She didn't need me to take care of her. And she certainly didn't need me to entertain her. I felt lonely. I felt proud of her. But mostly, I felt sad. I know she still needs me for most things, but she is getting to be so independent and that independence has happened so fast. I couldn't help but think "I am going to blink twice and she is going to be out the door on her own." I know that these thoughts are probably just the crazy pregnancy hormones talking, but I really and truly felt a real sense of sadness wash over me while I watched her play and make new friends all by herself.
But it isn't just the playing by herself that has prompted these feelings in me. Now, she has started dressing herself, telling me when she is ready for a nap or bed. On Sunday she wanted a peanut butter sandwich but when I went to make her one, she bodly stated "I can do it myself." And she did. Today I found her pouring herself glass of milk!
One of the most important things I have learned about being a parent is that it is never constant - it is always changing. Now, much to my dismay, I find that my role with her is changing again. This time to a role in which I went from a leading lady to a supporting character. And while I am so proud of her and the steps she is taking, I can't help but miss being needed. I love that she is able to do things for herself, and I know she still needs me in so many ways - but I will always miss being #1...
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